Remember how I chose "fearless" as my word of the year this year? This word has served me well this year. I have made the decision to face my fears a few times (you may recall what a harrowing experience driving in Ireland and England was for me) and I think it has been good for me. I have grown. I have learned that I can do hard things. I have not let my fear hold me back from having some amazing adventures.
Well, today I am facing a major fear. I am going way out of my comfort zone and heading back to work after nearly seventeen years of being a stay-at-home-mom. This is just a part time job; it's subbing at a pre-school/day care here in town. As far as scheduling flexibility it doesn't get much better than this. If I have something else going on, I don't have to go in. Seriously great, right? I know for some people this would be no big deal at all, but honestly I'm slightly terrified. I'm not worried about working with the children--I'm sure I'll do great at that part (my own children are a testament to my aptitude as a caregiver. I pretty much rock at taking care of kids).
I have dealt with some depression and anxiety since having children and those things have taken their toll. I think a lot of my nervousness comes from some of the insecurities that have building up in me for the last seventeen years. I'm a like the Tinman in the Wizard of Oz. I'm going to need a little oiling to help with the rustiness of not doing anything (in a professional setting) for so long. I'm also like the Cowardly Lion--I need some courage. I'm a little afraid of what I may be giving up. I am a home body. I love my life at home. I love knowing that I can always be there at a moment's notice if my kids need me. I like being able to hide away and watch Netflix while I fold laundry or read a book if I need to escape. I like being my own boss. I like being able to get myself a bowl of ice cream if I am feeling stressed. I like my freedom.
I'm an introvert. It's not that I don't like people. I really do. I just need quiet time. Some people work because they need the social interaction, but after years of being at home with mostly just my kids to talk to during the week, I think that social interaction is one of the things I'm most nervous about. I'm worried about first impressions. I'm worried about people liking me. It's like I'm going to junior high all over again. Heaven help me.
Say a prayer for me today. I'm wearing my "fearless" cuff that my friend Beth gave me and I'll be listening to this on repeat until I go in for my training. I am ready for this next adventure. I think.